Review Mode: Why There Was No Third Date with the Manic Pixie Dream They

Not everyone likes it when you ridicule — to their face — the whole way they see the world.

Welcome to Review Mode, a biweekly newsletter where I mark up my social interactions, mining my, like, medical-grade self-monitoring for your reading pleasure.

Last week, I went on a second date with a person I’ve been alternately calling the Manic Pixie Dream They and the Woodland Sprite. There was no third date. This might be why.

A brief intro to the Manic Pixie Dream They. They probably don’t think of themself as particularly pixie-ish or sprite-like. (In fact, in retrospect, I daresay they might take some offense at that.) But — they’re a beautiful, curly-haired, freckled person who seems to flit through life without accumulating any of the commitments and responsibilities that the average person ends up with over the years. To me, that’s pretty ethereal.

This nearly-40-year-old pansexual polyamorous nonbinary sprig of a person looks like they belong in, like, a light academia web comic playing, I don’t know, the hot professor? (Is that a trope? contrary to what one might assume, I consume neither web comics nor light academia content.)

They’ve lived in a bunch of countries, and they have a hot girlfriend. They seem to spend most of their time, from what I can gather, traveling and Having Ideas.

They also seem like the kind of person who would be very difficult to hold accountable. I’d love to meet someone who’d gotten into a serious argument with them, just to learn how such a seemingly unserious person would behave in that situation. Somehow, I imagine them slipping out of it through a series of hijinks in the manner of Jerry (of “Tom and…” fame). Maybe their tactics would involve a frying pan or a comically large hammer, or maybe just a bit of clever tomfoolery.

Despite apparently belonging in a more whimsical universe than our own, the Woodland Sprite doesn’t have much of a sense of humor. That’s, I think, where I went wrong — mistaking their light demeanor for a willingness to laugh at themself. I tend to tease people. Sometimes I overshoot. I may have overshot.

The Manic Pixie Dream They was never going to be, like, the one, but still! I really would’ve liked to get to kiss em more. Instead, I think I may have hurt their feelings.

Here was the interaction:

Manic Pixie Dream They: Have you read the book The Fifth Season?

Me: No, but that rings a vague bell.

Manic Pixie Dream They: It’s— I hesitate to use superlatives, since I think they tend to collapse the truth and imply that things are fixed in a way that they’re not, but when someone asks my favorite book, I usually say, “I don’t love superlatives, but a book that I really like is The Fifth Season.”

Me (smiling playfully, I hope): It must be exhausting to hold the level of nuance you hold at every moment.

Too mean? May have been too mean. At the time, they smiled and politely laughed, but politely is doing a lot of heavy lifting there.

My perspective is all distorted on these things, because for me, being made fun of makes me feel seen, which makes me feel loved. Like when I do roast battles — every time someone says something really specifically mean about me, I’m like, awww, they noticed. As someone who can’t take a compliment, insults are all I have.

So, I tease to express affection. This issue is compounded by the fact that so many of the other derelicts comedians I spend my time with also can hang express and receive affection similarly. I genuinely forget sometimes that many people don’t like it when you’re mean to them.

So, it looks like, through my accidental verbal aggression, I’ve forfeited all future opportunities to kiss their very pretty face. Ah well. They were too slow and gentle a kisser anyway. What are we, in love?

The Lesson That I Should but Probably Won’t Learn from This: If you’re gonna tease someone, start small and see how they react. Don’t go right for, like, the very way they see the world.

Carson’s Life Updates:

• Julien Baker releasing a Belle and Sebastian cover last month is the most excited I’ve been about a crossover since the Jimmy Timmy Power Hour.

  • Relatedly, That’s So Suite Life of Hannah Montana heads can eat my shorts.

• If you’re in NYC, if you get excited about the holiday season, and if you enjoy trans comedy, save the date for the evening of Dec. 21 - fun things coming.

• The weekend after Halloween, I went to this party dressed as Arthur where I met someone dressed as Steve from Blues Clues. I told him that in 2021, I went as Steve, and he told me that in 2021, he went as Arthur. Now he may be the one.

The Boilerplate

Carson Olshansky (still they/them, despite the haters) is a Brooklyn-based comedian and writer. You can follow them at @carsonolshansky on Instagram and TikTok and at @carson-olshansky on YouTube.