Review Mode: I Need You to Know We're Laughing AT You
Sometimes I laugh when people say terrible things, and it makes them think I thought it was cool that they said that.
Welcome to Review Mode, a biweekly newsletter where I mark up my social interactions, mining my, like, medical-grade self-monitoring for your reading pleasure.
When someone says some f*cksh*t, how do you address it in a way that doesn’t make them feel defensive but also doesn’t let them off the hook?
Content note: Homophobia
The other day, I was hanging with my friends Max and Shannon at an open mic, which was going poorly, cause this drunk douchebag was heckling everyone. He was kind of like if a boat shoe was a human whose drink of choice was a hazy IPA.
He was spewing a bunch of rude and incoherent nonsense. Not a great look, especially considering that he was a physically imposing straight guy, and a lot of the comics he was heckling were women and queer people.
Then, something beautiful happened: this one comic whom I’ll call Chris took the stage. He shut Boat Shoe Guy down with a string of roasts that culminated in “Shut the hell up. I out-alpha'ed you, bro.”
Because only way to stop a bad imposing straight guy with a bunch of trash talk is a good imposing straight guy with a bunch of trash talk.
But then the comic after Chris, whom I’ll call Brendan, tried to replicate Chris’s success and instead just did hate speech. Yeah, Boat Shoe Guy isn’t actually the villain of this story. (Though I’m sure he’s the villain of many stories.) Brendan is our antagonist.
Brendan’s one of these dude comics who’s bro-y, a little spacey, and generally seems like he might be kind of high. It’s a type that I’m often charmed by, especially when they’re not spewing bigotry. This, however, was a distinctly un-charming moment.
So, Brendan goes up and starts his set by addressing Boat Shoe Guy with, “Yeah, shut up, f*g.”1
Ope.
Straight guy said the gay slur.
And meant it as an insult.
Wait, you may be thinking. Maybe he’s allowed to say that word, Carson. How do you know Brendan’s not gay?
Well, because the next thing he said was, “What, was I not supposed to say that word, because I’m not gay? I could be gay. Like, I could become gay when I’m hungry, because you’re not you when you’re hungry.”
Would you believe that odd, rambling sentiment didn’t get a laugh? Don’t worry, though: he did try seven different versions of the same punchline over the next three minutes.2
I’m not sure whether any of us would’ve challenged Brendan on his use of the slur if he hadn’t approached us first. After all, Max had already gotten Brendan banned from the open mic going forward. Justice had been served (to the very limited extent that there’s justice to serve at open mics).
But later that night, when I was standing around outside with Max and Shannon (both queer) and a couple other comics, Brendan came over to us. And then what were we gonna do — not bring it up?
“Hey, great set, guys,” Brendan said.
“Thanks,” Max said. “You know, you shouldn't have said that.”
“What?” Brendan asked, confused. “Said ‘great set?’”
Here, I joined in to back Max up, because I wanted Brendan to know that don’t use hate speech wasn’t just one guy’s opinion. It was the consensus, at least among the very specific demographic at this Williamsburg open mic.
“No,” I responded. “You shouldn’t have used the f-slur.”
“Oh, right,” Brendan said. “I forgot.”
That confused all of us into stunned silence for a moment. Then, I unfortunately burst out laughing.
Cause he’d responded to you shouldn’t use homophobic hate speech the way a 6-year-old might respond to you’re not supposed to have dessert before dinner. I thought that was funny as fuck.
Mostly cause that brazenness is so foreign to me. I try pretty damn hard to be conscientious and to take accountability (whether or not I always hit the mark). So, I can be a little disarmed by shamelessness. In this case, by someone being so unbothered by self-censorship that he’ll hand-wave away bigotry with “I forgot.” It was almost impressive.
To be clear, I was laughing at Brendan, not with him, but that distinction is not always clear to the subject of the laughter.
A moment later, Max, Shannon, and the others started laughing, too. I’m not sure whether they also thought it was funny or whether they were just trying to put up a united front. Us vs. him.
Brendan, protected by his general lack of self-awareness here, evidently took our laughter as encouragement. He smiled and added, “I thought that word was back.”
Whereupon I laughed again, leaving the others to do the hard work of calling Brendan out/in. Max had to explain that gay people reclaiming the f-slur is not the same as when straight people say it.
I’ve gotta stop laughing like that. I should know by now that it can be misinterpreted. This is not the first time I’ve had this problem.
Like, sometimes on stage, I tell this story about a drunk guy who approached a group of cis dude comedians and me after a show. This guy said a bunch of out-of-pocket shit and ended with saying, “I admire what you comedians do. It takes balls.” Then looking at me, he added, “—or uhhh nads?” (Which is technically correct — gonads is a sex-neutral term for primary reproductive organs. Go that guy.)
The part that I don’t tell on stage is that, immediately after he said this, I cracked up, and then everyone else cracked up, and the drunk guy left. Only, he returned moments later to say, “Thanks for the laughs.”
We all assumed he was thanking us for the service we provide as comedians (🫡). Nope. As he continued rambling, it became clear that he was thanking us for laughing at the things he said.
Basically, if someone says something, and you laugh, there’s a good chance they’ll see what they want to see. They’ll assume you’re laughing with them.
In a way, that can be useful. Laughing with Nads Guy de-escalated a situation that could’ve become adversarial. And maybe Brendan would feel more inclined to listen to us if he sees us as fellow comedians joking around with him and welcoming him into the conversation, not as overly sensitive queer people publicly shaming him.
But probably, my laughter just let him off the hook. Whoops.
When Max was done explaining the differences between in- and out-group uses of homophobic slurs, Brendan rounded out the conversation by saying, “But I only said it cause I was hungry.”
That one, I didn’t laugh at.
The lesson I should but probably won’t learn from this: Keep your shit together, man. I know it’s funny, but you can laugh about it later, when the guy’s out of earshot.
Carson’s life updates:
I’m headed to Portland, ME on August 17. If you’re in the area, come hang. Tix here.
Went to Newport Folk Festival over the weekend, where John C. Reilly (star of one of my all-time favorite movies Walk Hard) emcee’d the big final set of the weekend. Eh. 6 out of 10. They say don’t meet your heroes. Turns out you also shouldn’t see your heroes host an indie folk showcase.
I won’t say more about the festival, because the things that were really exciting to me wouldn’t mean much to anyone else. I need to get more relatable taste. Instead, I’m stuck with this terminal case of hipsterism.
Like, you know how Lucy Dacus has gotten way more popular/well-known in the last few years? Yeah, well now I like their music less than ever. Can’t win for losing.
I did enjoy the Coldplay/Astronomer thing, though. So, clearly sometimes I can like things that other people like.
The Boilerplate
Carson Olshansky (still they/them, despite the haters) is a Brooklyn-based comedian and writer. You can follow them at @carsonolshansky on Instagram and TikTok and at @carson-olshansky on YouTube.
A sincere note on terminology: I think I’m allowed to say the f-slur. I do say it sometimes. I’m a transmasc person who hooks up with queer men in a way that feels pretty gay to me. And like, that word is part of my gender: when I wear crop tops and pink nail polish, I’m doing it in a faggy way, not a girly way.
That said, I do recognize that the types of people who use the word pejoratively probably see me as a woman, which sucks, but it also means I’m not the type of person most endangered by the violence that that specific slur connotes. So, I generally try to avoid using it in negative contexts.
All to say, I’ll stick with “the f-slur” or “f*g” instead of writing it out for now, cause I don’t think it would accomplish anything to repeat the slur in this context.
While I was always gonna use a fake name for Brendan here, I was originally going to use Chris’s real name and link to his Instagram, but then yesterday, Chris posted an Instagram story that appeared to also be using the f-slur pejoratively.
So, maybe he’s not our hero.
Why can’t we have nice things?
Luckily I didn’t have to push hard for him to be banned, just had to ask the hosts about their thoughts because they were already on the same page as me. Which is even better, we love gay comedy solidarity!!